02 24am, 2/8/22, a beginning

 I dislike the path I took in life.

Hello, let’s get the formal stuff out way. My name is Sammy, 24, a student in Russia, of Nigerian nationality. I have a fear of failing so big it often prevents me from starting new things, but I’m sober atm, and feeling inspired😀

It’s 2 30 am and I can’t sleep again. My mind keeps pointing out all the stuff I’m not good enough at or all the people I wasn’t good enough for. I hate it when it does that, in place of sweet dreams I get lowlights of my worst mistakes, almost every night now. 

But where was I, oh right, feeling inspired.

Yes, inspiration is a weird thing, maybe it’s the hunger for food that’s driving a hunger to create. I’m not sure, but I hope so, then I can bottle this inspiration up, store it in a cool dry place and use in even when I’m full.

I’ve always wanted to create, but never been good at it. I was great at repeating what others did, so I did well in school, learnt all the theories and theorems I had to but didn’t need. 

I enjoyed the science and math classes but music and fine art made me happy, wasn’t good at drawing but loved watching others draw, I would try to follow their strokes but always had the 3/10 drawing. The scores didn’t matter, only with my parents of course, I enjoyed the class, music too, love singing,  but I knew what I was good at. Maths, science, social studies and creative writing. I loved making up stories and writing essays all through primary and junior secondary school. But I forgot.

Senior secondary came and I became a science student even though I had As in all the art courses after SSS1 first term( I have no idea what the grade equivalent is, I was 14 or 15 I think, figure it out❤️). In hindsight it was probably a mistake but I dunno why I actually put it in my head that I wanted to be aeronautical engineer. I had no special interests in planes or rockets, never flew till I was 10 years and I’m scared of heights. Maybe nurture had a role to play, years of constant engineer/doctor/lawyer mantra got to me unconsciously, I knew I was going to miss Government and literature in English but I wanted to be an engineer gaddamit. I’ve lied to myself so much, help me.  

But I did well of course, kept doing well because it’s expected in every African home, except for the last bones, those ones can flex. My dad would give me a pat on the back and you can do better after I came 2nd in primary 5, bought my baby sisters bikes because they both came 11th and 15th or some weak ass position. But I loved seeing my baby sisters happy, you did good dad I guess. 

Did well in WAEC, the exam at the end of secondary school for west African countries, applied for a scholarship, selected Japan or China in English, got pushed to Russia to study in Russian. It was a mixed feeling, great that the degree is free but what value might it have at the end. One semester left and I’m scared that it’s none. 

03 07 am and I’m rambling but this is a beginning